


Hindsight

by sxetia



Category: Chainsaw Man (Manga)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Drabble, F/M, Gen, Lack of Closure, Mentor/Student, Nightmares, No closure, PTSD, Regret, Teacher/Student, Yearning, canon character death, chainsaw man spoilers, idk really, post-death yearning, survivor's guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:55:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24135454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sxetia/pseuds/sxetia
Summary: Everything seems so clear with sights set on the past.
Relationships: Aki Hayakawa & Himeno, Aki Hayakawa/Himeno
Comments: 3
Kudos: 21





	Hindsight

He should have stopped it.

He _could_ have stopped it. That thought plagued Aki's mind, day in and day out, any time he had a spare second to let his mind wander. Another weight on his shoulders and another hole where his life should have been, another "what-if?" for the pile...

His screw grew a little tighter.

The Future Devil lived just behind his right eye, and loved to torment him with glimpses into a future he was helpless to intercept and inevitability he was at the mercy of. He couldn't change what was destined, and he knew that, no more easily than he could change the past — but he still _wanted_ to, almost as badly as he wanted the Gun Devil's blood on his hands. His days were limited, a reality that he made damn sure to immerse himself in every time that he got the chance to. Two years? Twenty months? Eighteen? A paltry sum to play for her life, like five yens' expense for the fortune of all the days Himeno had ahead of her...

Every time he inhaled smoke he thought of her, and he could see her smile whenever he felt his bones grow weaker and weaker.

Maybe if he had just had contracted the Future Devil a little earlier he could have seen it coming. Maybe if he weren't so weak in spirit he wouldn't have to rely on his Devils to do everything for him.

He felt little value in the Future Devil's foresight, for he always had his eyes set on the past. On family torn apart, on rookies who died before they lost their green, on a teacher who had managed to be a little _less_ than a teacher and more... something else. Irreplaceable. _Gone,_ that was what she was.

Each time Aki shut his eyes, the Future Devil gifted him with sights of things to come, and yet he couldn't take his eyes off what once was. The visions were blocked out by flashes of old memories flickering to the forefront of his consciousness, rising him from sleep and leaving him shaking and afraid in his bed. He grew to hate blinking, for his lament of the uselessness of the Future Devil's contract, and for what he might miss: she was there one moment, he blinked, and then she was gone.

Usually when alone, often when sleep wouldn't come... he cared enough to cry over her. 

Two last requests, one his foresight let him know he would fail. He couldn't live forever, but if he could, he would find out for her. Aki felt like a disgrace, but he wouldn't fail her anymore. Honoring her final wish, tears on taut jowls, her memory alive where her body wasn't.

**Author's Note:**

> is this really the first time Himeno has so much as been mentioned on AO3?
> 
> i am cursed to love ships where one party dies. it's called being a fucking genius.


End file.
